How To Get In The Pants of a Local Musician

How To Get In The Pants of a Local Musician

Written by Rachel Vogelzang

I realize this is a very serious subject, and I don't mean to make light of it in any way, shape or form. Okay, well maybe one shape. Or two. Speaking of shapes, have you seen Corey Garland(Them in The Hive) from behind lately? Carrying that kid of his up and down the stairs and building play structures in his backyard is doing wonders for that ass.

Sorry, got distracted. Common problem for me in these here parts; there is an abundance of good looking musicians. Mostly male, since it's kind of a boys' club around here, though the ladies represent as well. Either way, it's hard to remember the lyrics to 'Angel from Montgomery' when you're on stage with one of these guys/gals. Or you're opening for them and one of them "accidentally" drops a guitar pick on the floor right in front of the stage and you're about to hit a high note and then *BAM* he bends over to pick it up and all that comes out of your mouth is a squeak that sounds halfway between a mouse and what your dog sounds like right before it's about to puke on the rug. And now you've embarrassed yourself in front of Pat & the Hats (ALL OF THEM) and will never be able to show your face again.

What I'm saying is, I know a thing or two about unrequited crushes on dead sexy musicians. And possibly a requited one...or seven. (Who, you ask? Not that kind of article, honey.) But what does that mean for you? How do you get the elusive Daniel LePage(Boogie on Alice) to notice your new cowboy boots? What will catch George Laliotis' sexy, sexy eye next time he's breaking hearts behind the microphone?

1. Go to all of their shows.

And I mean all of them. Pay the covers (all the money goes to the band), take the road trips, show up in the front row at all of their gigs, and they might just start to notice you.

2. Make everyone else you know go to their shows.

Pump them up on your Facebook. And Twitter. And tumblr. And MySpace...that's still a thing, right? Market the shit out of them and drag your friends to their live shows.

3. Buy stuff.

EPs, stickers, Tshirts, the whole deal. Pledge on their PledgeMusic drive, fund their Kickstarter campaign, give them gas money for their next tour...spend all of your money on them.

4. Find out where they live...

And visit them. Every day. And take pictures of them when they're sleeping, and --

Okay, I can't do it anymore. If you are a fan of someone's music, support them with your time and money. Tell your friends about them, share their music, etc. If you have a crush on someone, introduce yourself, make your interest known, and if they turn you down, back graciously away. Otherwise you are a stalker, and could possibly be arrested. Especially for that last picture thing...

And if you really want to get into a musician's pants, wait til they go to the laundromat to wash their clothes and steal a pair of their pants. That's probably the fastest, least creepy way to do it. Although it's still kinda creepy. Just sayin.

Written by Rachel Vogelzang. For more on the author:

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