How To Tell If Your Girlfriend Hates Your Band

Every single one of us joined a band for one reason and one reason only. No, it is not the free drinks. No, it is not the love of the road. No, it is not the camaraderie between bandmates. No, it is not the partially warm bar french-fries. No, it is not the women… wait.. no.. it IS the women. They are the only reason anyone of us ever picked up a guitar, pair of sticks or a microphone in the first place. You may notice I didn’t mention keys… That was on purpose, no one picks up the piano to get women. People start playing the piano because they have a low self esteem and want to be beat up by the cooler high school band geeks. The piano players in turn can beat up the choir kids. Ok, we have gotten off track. You started your band because you wanted a girl to like you. However, how can you now tell if that girl you got actually likes your band? There are some exact details that will positively show if your girlfriend hates, tolerates or loves your music venture.

The instrument you play in the band will have an impact on if your significant other enjoys your band. If you play bass you do not need to read the rest of this article. I can tell you, your girlfriend does not like your band. In fact, she doesn’t even know you are in a band. She may go to all of your shows, but she just assumes the band lets you stand up there with them and doesn’t think you are a band member. This is not a comment on her intelligence; in fact, no one knows you are in the band. Not a single person is aware of the bass player. Sure, I know, this is an old joke “no one cares about the bass player” but this fact cannot be driven home hard enough. If you play the bass, you are not noticed. As a bass player, no one cares about you; no one thinks about you or even knows your name. Your girlfriend doesn’t even think of you while she makes out with the lead singer behind your back. Yes Steve, even you.

Another test is the type of music you play. There are a number of different music genres around today and your girlfriend pays attention to this fact. In the mid 20th century you either played rock and roll or country. In the 80’s we added metal. In the 90’s we added indie. In today’s industry we have thousands of different sub genres of each and every style of music. I mean, damn, there are even 100 different styles of dub trance step. The first trick is to actually figure out what type of music your band plays. If that genre has more than 4 words or has the words new or alt in the description; your girlfriend hates your band. If you play dub step your girlfriend does not like your band. In fact, she doesn’t even know she is your girlfriend. The entire relationship was created in your mind after you and her shared a few Facebook Instant Messages. Your relationship was created on your computer and is not real… just like your music.

Now for the last test to see if your girlfriend likes your band; do you make more than 100 bucks a show? I am not talking 100 bucks total for the band, I am saying 100 bucks each. If you are playing out every weekend and your band is not making enough cash for you take home 100 bucks, your girlfriend does not like your band. Let’s face it; if you are playing out and not making 100 bucks a show, no one likes your band, especially your girlfriend. The bar or venue must be pretty empty if you are not making a good amount of cash. Can you imagine, going to a venue, sitting in a bar, all alone, with no one around, trying to look like you are having fun, while your boyfriend makes really loud obnoxious noises from the stage? This is what your girlfriend has to sit through every night you play. That is if she hasn’t already stopped coming to all your shows altogether.

In closing, if you have made it this far and you still think your girlfriend likes your band; think again. She is just being nice. As are all your friends and your co-workers. Even that random guy who said he loved your band last time you played; he is lying too. You would be better off not playing out anymore and get a real job as like, a VCR repair man. Of course, you have figured out by now, that I don’t really mean YOUR band… I mean the other ones. Keep at it. I am sure your girl loves the song you wrote about your missing tube socks.

Photo courtesy of Cory MacEachern Photography
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