How to Get Groupies Even Though You Are JUST A Bass Player

How to Get Groupies Even Though You Are JUST A Bass Player

As we learned in a previous feature, Things Guitar Players Should Know, a bass player is only 2/3 of a guitar. Using simple math that would make a bass player 2/3 the man of a guitar player, right? WRONG! In fact, in my experience, bass players are the ones that truly get all the girls.

There is a study that shows that fruit flies pick up females by rubbing their wings together to produce a deep buzzing noise. The buzzing then produces a song which attracts the lady’s senses. This song helps the female to find the male that’s singing, and the rest is history. Well what, you may ask, produces a low buzzing noise? THE BASS GUITAR! There is no reason why this shouldn’t work for us humans too, cause we ain’t nothing but fruit flies looking for a good lay, right?

As world renowned bassist Les Claypool once put it: "The bass player is the guy in the band that generally has the biggest penis". Well unless you have the stage antics of Jim Morrison, this generally won’t help you with first getting the girl home. If you seem to be striking out lately, and your local dealer is out of “roofies”, then use these tips to help you bring home the lady of your dreams.

1.) Nothing says sexy like a rainbow guitar strap. Having a rainbow strap shows that you are sensitive, colorful, and in touch with your feminine side. You may have to weed out the occasional gay man, but your friends “know” that you’re not “gay”. Not that being gay is bad, you just pick up less girls.

2.) Stick out your tongue while playing. Gene Simmons has claimed to have slept with over 2,000 women. Do you think the face paint is the cause of this? I think not! It’s all about the bass and tongue. I have found that eating a blue ring pop before the show really seals the deal.

3.) “Accidently” unplug your guitar player’s cord mid show. Playing live is all about getting the girls, not about playing good music, so mid song step on your guitar players cord, unplugging it from his guitar. While continuing to play your bass solo, give the guitar player dirty looks letting the crowd know that he messed up the whole song. This will cause the girls to pin him as a failure, sending them your way.

4.) If you overhear a girl telling her friends “eh I don’t know, he’s just the bass player”, quickly shout out “well at least I’m not the drummer!”.

5.) Get a doublenecked bass. Heck, get a tripleneck, wear a crocodile costume covered with red LEDs, and do some stage diving.

With these tips you should be getting the girls in no time. If all else fails, learn how to play the guitar.

Stay tuned for my next article: Learning how to play the guitar when you are only a bass player.

This article was written by a local bass player who wishes to remain anonymous, but..... he is in the pictures above. Can you figure it out?

If you liked this article you just might like:
What Your Band Needs To Know Before Going Pro
Stuff Every Guitar Player Should Know PART TWO
How to get new band members

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