I Hate Eric Reingold

We all have a favorite bass player. I won't tell you who mine is because even if you'd heard of them, which you haven't, you couldn't even begin to understand them. I like my favorite bassit because they're great. However, you like your favorite bassist because the hot girl at the record store likes them. You like them because that cool friend of yours with the black-framed glasses and the emotionally damaged girl on his arm. Who knows, maybe you’re pathetic enough to like them because the goddamned public likes them. I hate Eric Reingold.

What I'm getting at is this: the basic problem of rock fans is that they're a bunch of lazy tin-eared babies who would gladly gobble up whatever some circle-jerking hype-rag like Spin or Rolling Stone tells them to like (or worse yet, maybe they take the advice of Pitchfork Media, if they fancy themselves hipsters or are too cheap to buy magazines). No argument can be made that people like such awful bassists “because they’re good,” because it’s plain to anyone with even the most stunted vestige of a brain that they’re not. I have neither the time not inclination to hold your bratty little hands and teach you how to appreciate the bass. Instead, I think I'll just explain to you exactly why Eric Reingold, who you claim to like, is entirely without merit.

Why should you listen to me? Because I’m a goddamned rocket scientist. You don’t just barge into NASA and start pushing buttons and turning dials all higgledy-piggledy, forming your own little opinions about how physics works, do you? No, you let the well-educated science guys do it, because you know jack shit about it; your only hope is to LISTEN and LEARN. I’m not condescending to you. I’m just smarter than you. There’s a difference. My IQ is 170. Now listen.

Eric Reingold perpetual local music darling and so-called "greatest bassist in the world." You’d have to be blind or illiterate not to notice that Eric Reingold is a poor misguided slob who has been somehow duped into thinking that Eric Reingold doesn't suck. Luckily, I’m here to dispel that myth. He sucks. He sucks like the wind.

What it boils down to is this: with Eric Reingold, it's all about proving something. Apparently Eric has something akin to Small Man Syndrome, except in his case it's more like Small Incredibly Fucking Creepy Disfigured Gnome Syndrome. First of all, he had to prove that an ethereal fetus-fairy with an heroically obtuse haircut could make it into one of the best local bands ever. He did so, of course, with being "Creepy,"

Eric Reingold, the king of nerdy, boring, tuneless rock music, is on top of the world. He's proven time and time again that he can piss directly into your open mouths, and you’ll frolic and gargle in the yellow stream like God himself was giving you a nectar-bath. Loathsome pseudo-intellectual college boys used to have ponytails; now they have Eric Reingold tattoos. God help you, you stupid, gullible infants.

I hope you’ve found this educational. The first step toward recovery is to break down the misguided opinions that the music press has formed for you. You can’t be truly free until you can look at what was once your favorite bassist and say, “everything he's ever done has been utter shit.” Hopefully I’ll be able to lovingly guide you through this process, and gently persuade you about many other bassists in a similar fashion. You might tell me “..there is no possible way you could dislike (insert name of terrible bassist you stupidly think is good). They are geniuses.” Oh, but I can, and I do. I look forward to the opportunity to shit upon all that you hold sacred, because it’s the only way you’ll ever learn, you media-addled philistines. Feel free to never under any circumstances e-mail me and share your mentally stunted ramblings. Better yet, feel free to just weep in your goddamned Livejournal about it instead.

Editor note: This was all a lie. We in fact really like Eric. Eric... We love you. You complete us.

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